Draft Workshop #1 Research Stage II
Directions:
After selecting a partner for this exercise, copy the text of their research project and paste into a Word Document. Select Track Changes. Make sure to save your work every 10 minutes. When you have completed this exercise, send the draft workshop through email to your partner.
After you have received your peer workshop, post it to your blog. This will provide evidence of the quality of the work completed during class time.
1. Does the essay have a title that identifies its key terms and thesis? If yes, explain why you think it is effective? If no, write down what you think would be an effective title:
Yes, the title seals and sealers is effective since it give us a good idea of the topic, and illustrates the opposition between selas and sealers. It could be a little catchier, however.
2. Write down the thesis statement:
But before anything, it is important to establish; I am in favour of an unconditional ban to the commercial hunting of the harp and hood seal, pup and adult alike. I will not remain objective, as is so often the custom of a paper like this. Instead I promise to remain truthful, to remain unapologetically honest. If my bias becomes evident, forgive me. But there is a right and wrong side to this issue, and the goal of this essay is to demonstrate which is which.
3. Can you identify any words that you believe are imprecise? Write them down:
Thes thesis statement is very clear.
3. Did you have trouble finding the thesis statement? Explain.
No, it is very clear and follows the introduction.
4. Does the thesis statement express the main idea in a full, declarative sentence that is not a question, not a statement of purpose, and not merely a topic?
It is very clear and declarative, although somewhat empirical.
5. Does the paper blend quotations into the writing, provide attribution for each quotation and summarize its purpose.
The paper does blend quotations into the writng, however the purpose of each quotation might not be summarized, but is that really necessary?
6. Does the paper paraphrase and summarize; use quotations only when the exact words are essential. Check each quotation.
The point of view of the sealers are mostly paraphrased and summarized rather than quoted. A few more quotes representing their point of view might have brought more objectivity to the document, but that was not the intention of the author.
7. How many citations does the paper include?
5
8. In your mind, is this an adequate number? Explain.
There could have been a few more, once again, representing the point of view of the sealers.
6. Examine the paper globally:
6.1 Underline all of the topic sentences and examine them for strength by identifying how many words are in the subject of each topic sentence and identifying whether or not the writer is relying on the active rather than the passive voice and strong verbs rather than weak "to be" verbs.
| Topic Sentence | Subject word count
| Verb (Write down each main verb of the topic sentence and evaluate it as being weak or strong)
|
| Paragraph 1 The trouble with the seal hunt debate is that well-meaning protestors are being shrugged off by ready-made defences easily lobbed by sealers and their powerful allies. | 7 |
is: weak |
| Paragraph 2 Let us first deconstruct these pro-hunt arguments. | 0 | Let: weak |
| Paragraph 3 Amazingly, supporters of the seal hunt now use this as evidence for why harp seal takes should stay at their current TAC of 275, 000, or even vie for an increase. | 5 | Use: weak |
| Paragraph 4 It’s easy for us to call the hunt superfluous or unnecessary, but when we put ourselves in the shoes of these economically marginalized sealers, it’s an entirely different matter.
| 1 | Put: weak |
| Paragraph 5 We cannot excuse just any behaviour simply because it brings in petty cash from other nations, in this case, foreign importers of these laughably antiquated luxury products. | 1 | Cannot excuse: medium (I felt the verbal group was the verb in this case). |
| Paragraph 6 Here we see another common tactic of the industry’s backers- an appeal based on cultural identity.
| 1 | See: weak |
| Paragraph 7 Evidently, these East coast fishermen are willing to tolerate a lot of hardship and humiliation just for the meagre income the hunt brings.
| 4 | are willing to tolerate: strong. (once again I felt the verbal group was the verb in this case). |
| Paragraph 8 Now that we’ve sufficiently examined the sealers’ situation, we may turn our attention to the seals themselves, and the previous objections made on their behalf.
| 1 | May turn: medium |
| Paragraph 9 Why, in the face of so much international protest, have ships still been sent out to the front (the ice fields northwest of Newfoundland) and the gulf of Saint-Lawrence every single March since public outcry began in the late 1950’s?
| 1 | Have been sent: medium |
6.2 Next, underline all of the topic sentences in the paper and examine them once again holistically and not in terms of their parts for strength and clarity. If you feel a topic sentence is weak or missing, mark the topic sentence for revision.
The topic sentences are very effective and clear.
6.3. Next, examining each paragraph, one-by-one, can you spot any sentences that do not relate to the main topic of the paragraph? Cross them out.
The second part of the paragraph cited on the next question does not realyy relate to the first part.
All the other parapagraphs are entirely cohesive.
6.4 Are there any single paragraphs with more than one main idea that should be broken down into two or more paragraphs? Identify the paragraphs and the main points.
“Amazingly, supporters of the seal hunt now use this as evidence for why harp seal takes should stay at their current TAC of 275, 000, or even vie for an increase. They say that the harps are the ones responsible for the decline of cod numbers, an absolute farce of an argument in light of the fact that the few areas in which the fish have been recovering lie directly within seal migration routes. But still, the sentiment for re-classifying their practice as a cull rather than a hunt remains among the Atlantic sealers; Magdalen islanders even refer to the harps as “loup-marin” (sea-wolf). This paints a clear picture of the state of affairs in these coastal regions. Men of Newfoundland’s Northwest coast are wholly dependent on whatever they can pull out of the sea, and with an average of 3.5 dependents each (according to the Canadian census)(10), they need to take as much as they can.”
I feel this paragraphhas 2 ideas. 1) the fisherman saying the harps are responsible for for the decline of the cod numbers. 2) The sentiment for re-classifying their practice as a cull rather than a hunt.
6.5 Is the writer providing descriptive headings? Mark places and write headings that you believe would enhance the coherence and readability of the document.
There aren't any headings.
6.6 For each paragraph, identify whether or not it is informative or transitional.
Paragraph 1: Transitionnal intro, dramatic description of the hunt.
Paragraph 2: Informative: the author's intentions.
Paragraph 3: Transitional, give us some insight into pro-hunt arguments.
Paragraph 4: Informative, deconstruction of argument 3
Paragraph 5: Transition into the economic argument
Paragraph 6: Transition negating the economic argument
Paragraph 7: Informative, a look at the cultural argument
Paragraph 8: Informative, profit numbers related to the sealing business
Paragraph 9: Definitive transition into pro-seal arguments, the compassionate argument
Paragraph 10: Informative: '' Why is sealing allowed to continue? ''
Paragraph 11: Informative, a look at how sustainable the sealing industry is.
Paragraph 12 : Transitional, it's the conclusion.
6.7 Does the reader provide transitions between paragraphs and sections of the paper? Identify the places where the paper would benefit from having transitional paragraphs or phrases to connect the flow of logic.
There is such a sentence between the intro and the first paragraph: « A man has got to eat. »
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